Funny Kids Books
During the 1990s, I published three “The Funny Things Kids Say Will Brighten Any Day” books (Volumes 1, 2, and 3) and one “Quotable Kids” book.
I have profound gratitude for the encouragement, assistance and talent of Susan Klopfer, who passed on unexpectedly in 2015, and watercolor artist Debbie Rittenhouse, a dear friend who lived in Kendallville at the time. I am eternally grateful to them both.
A tribute to Susan Klopfer:
https://articles.ibpa-online.org/article/one-journalists-adventure-into-self-publishing/
Here are a few stories from the very earliest books.
Tyler, 6, helped his mother Diane tie yellow ribbons all over a tree in their front yard. Diane told him the ribbons were to remind people to pray for our troops in Iraq. “No, they’re in Saudi Arabia,” Tyler quickly said, surprising his mother with his knowledge of the war. That night when his father came home, Tyler told him what he and his mother had done. “But the yellow ribbons aren’t working,” he said. “I was outside 20 minutes and not one car stopped to pray.”
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It was a hot day at the beginning of the school year, and the first-graders had just trooped in from afternoon recess. They were lining up against the wall in the hall, taking turns at the drinking fountain. A first-grade teacher overheard one of her students say to a friend: “What I want to know is, who signed me up for all day?!”
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On a fall day Quintin saw some geese and pointed out that they weren’t quite flying in the proper V formation. Rebecca, who had been working with her letter people in kindergarten, said matter-of-factly, “Maybe they haven’t had that letter person in school yet!”
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Paul, 8, had no conception of the things his mother does all day. On the first day of school, his mother said, “‘Bye, have a nice day!” He said, “‘Bye, Mom, have a nice nap!”
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Chuck, 6, was asked what the best part of first grade was. “Recess!” he exclaimed. “And the worst part?” “Missing recess!” his cousin Paul, 8, chimed in.
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One mother remembers the first time her son went into the men’s restroom on his own. She thought everything was fine, until she heard a call that echoed through the restaurant, “Mommy, come and wipe me off!”
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With little modesty and lots of pride in their potty training adventure, children don’t think twice about using potty-related words, no matter what the situation. A urologist, Dr. Nancy Hockley works long hours. One night she came home absolutely exhausted. Sarah, 4, ran to her mother demanding attention, but Nancy was too tired to respond. “Your mother’s pooped,” Norman said. “Where?!” Sarah asked with amazement, looking over her shoulder.
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Patrick, 7, asked his mother Pam if there are angels. She said yes. “Are they with me all the time?” he asked. She said yes. “Well, I tried to give one a cookie, and it fell on the floor,” Patrick said.
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Jacob, 4, went to Vacation Bible School. On the first day as he and his mother Wendy were driving home he reached his pocket and found the money Wendy had given him for the offering. “Uh-oh,” he said. “I forgot to pay my teacher.”
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Taryn, 3, insists that when she says “Amen” at the end of her prayer, she is referring to a person. One day Taryn asked her mother Rhonda why God is in heaven. Rhonda told her. Then Taryn asked Rhonda why God doesn’t come down so we can see Him. Rhonda told her. Then Taryn asked if God has a TV. Rhonda said she didn’t know. “Well, if He doesn’t have a TV, what do He and Amen do all day?” Taryn asked.
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Donna was driving a carload of children to school in their old car, and they were running late. When she stopped at a stop sign the car konked out. The kids started becoming boisterous and impatient. “Listen,” Donna said. “Everybody pray. If anybody can start this car, Jesus can.” “And if it doesn’t start, He can get out and push,” Kevin, 13, said. The car finally started.
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Not long after the close of the World Series, Christopher, 7, was still eating and breathing baseball.
One night his father, Dave, wanted to see how his son would do reading the “Good News Bible.” Dad was proud as Christopher began, “This is a list of the ancestors of Jesus Christ, a des… des…” Christopher stumbled as he tried to pronounce “descendant” – a real tongue twister for a 7-year-old. Finally he proudly blurted out “des… designated hitter!”
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Marilyn purchased cookies at the Tri Kappa Salad Bar. Her favorites are the miniature pecan pie cookies. “They taste like you died and went to heaven,” she told her children. After sampling the cookies, Nicole, 5, asked her older brother Nathan, “Have you been to heaven yet?”
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One day Mrs. Trowbridge’s great-grandson Aaron Paul asked his Grandma about Jesus. She told him we cannot see Him. “Why don’t you phone Him?” Aaron asked.
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When Mrs. Davis was driving with her grandchildren, Matthew, 6, and Andrea, 4, they asked her, “Grandma, how old is Grandpa?” “Sixty,” she replied. “And how old are you?” the youngsters asked. “Fifty-nine,” she said. After a pause, they asked, “Are you and Granpa getting ready to go to heaven?”
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During story hour the children were acting out the poem “Monday’s Child.” When Mrs. Steinicke got to Sunday’s child and read, “But the child that’s born on the Sabbath Day is fair and wise and good all day,” little Zach piped up and said, “Oh, no I’m not!”
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One night Dane, 5, told his mother Karen, “The sun went down ’cause God thought it was a boring day. He turned off the lights so He could sleep.”
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Dustin, 4, was telling his mother Kelli about the accident his preschool teacher Mrs. Anglin was in. “Was anyone in the car with Mrs. Anglin?” his mother asked. “Yes, God was,” Dustin replied. “But I don’t know if He got hurt too.”
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Mrs. Freiburger sometimes takes her great-granddaughter Nicole, 5, to the cemetery with her when she puts flowers on the graves. One day as Nicole and Mrs. Freiburger were driving through the cemetery, they passed a newly dug grave. “Grandma, look! One got out!” Nicole exclaimed.